Sweet Little Lies

The little lies starts when we're kids I guess. Little chestnuts shoot out of our mouths when we're trying to impress our mates. I was 7 when I told my new next door neighbours that I had a brother. (I didn’t) When they wanted to see him, I told them he was asleep. (He wasn't – because he didn’t exist). Apparently these two like to wake up people when they are unconscious. So low and behold, I told them to wait for five minutes. I ran to my bedroom and filled my bunk bed with my teddies galore under a duvet cover and ushered them in. I only allowed my guests to be in my room at a great distance from my bed. The 'fake body' was rather convincing, but not enough for my hopeful new friends. The lies continued - 'he sleeps a lot' and 'his birthday is next month' and when asked why his bedroom would be in a room of Care Bear wallpaper, I said 'oh we share a bedroom....we're really poor'. (The only truth I had made since 4pm that day).

I don’t think BigPinkHeart needs to really categorise the right and wrong lies here, or indeed build a list to which we can all refer to, but perhaps the most important thing here, is to find the skill, which we all have, to listen to our own conscience and ask if we really are lying to protect those we lie to, or to protect ourselves.

As a side note, if you don’t have a conscience at all, I doubt you’d be reading this in the first place.

Most affairs are hidden, to protect the culprit, not the innocent partner, and most people who have been cheated on will probably tell you, that although the cheating hurt like hell, it was the secrecy that hurt the most.

Lying is the biggest pet peeve for me, hence why I needed your help on Twitter to work out how you all felt about lying. My word, haven't you gone through the mill? People discovering their ex was gay, partners lying in catastrophic extremes (not just the dog ate your mobile phone), mothers and fathers never telling their children the truth of biological parents. Stuff that causes scars, not just bruises. I'm glad you helped, because I fear I'm a little tight on this subject and I let little slide when it comes to honesty. Because I’d rather hurt like hell and know the truth, than live in bliss and be ignorant. Others prefer to ‘not know’. So perhaps the decision as to whether we lie, depends on the person we’re talking to?

Also the scale of lie from white (saying you snogged someone, when you didn’t) to the heart-tearing lies (you finding out that you’re partner is living a whole different life with someone else without your knowledge) changes the gravitas. Sometimes great lies lead to a thousand small ones and vice versa. Do we really have the energy to keep it up, and if you do, where’s the respect for yourself, nevermind the one you’re lying to? The greater the lie, the longer it takes to get over. The kids who worked out I had stuffed teddies into my duvet cover didn't hold it against me, but they did forever think I was the strangest person they had ever met.. I can't say I blame them.

To focus on the aftermath might be the better bet, when the lie has been inexcusable and what happens to people once they’ve worked out the real truth. Of course trust is royally screwed, and the disappointment in the one that inflicted such a pain, but many feel like a mug for trusting that person in the first place. They can’t look back at anything between you and them in the same light, without that sinking feeling.

The time you’ve wasted lying and covering up any track, is actually not half as exhausting as the making up. The having to prove you can be trustworthy, the paranoia you’ve caused, or indeed you tell the truth, but people are no longer sure whether to believe you.

Although I hate to use the Apprentice for a blog post, there is no better example of seeing the damage lies can cause. So close to the final, Stuart Baggs was labeled intelligent, interesting and willing to do anything to work for Lord Sugar. His gift of blagging got him through many rounds. But when it came to the interrogation process, he was picked up on one line of his CV. ‘I own a licensed telecommunications company’. The license was for broadwidth, not telecommunications. He elaborated and essentially lied through a technicality. No one had picked this up, before now. Lord Sugar, was angry with himself for not seeing the signs of such blatant fabrications, but the chap couldn’t still admit that he had lied. The board were angry and were insulted that this 21 year old, thought he had managed to pull the wool over their eyes. It becomes patronizing to others, and I don’t think there’s a coincidence that Stuart’s firing, was the worst in the series.When people catch you lying Stuart, people get angry. We all do.

You see the problem is, once we begin to even white lie and ‘blag’, the severity of the lies feels less and less. The conscience gets used to excuses for cover ups, and slowly but surely, people are changing their lives, living as different identities and commtting fraud, without even thinking about it. I have a theory that the amygdala in your brain, the thing that tells you to fight or flight, becomes more accustomed to your actions, the more you do something, the more your amygdala gets used to the fear of doing it. So next time, it's never quite so 'wee in your pants' terrifying.. Maybe lets be careful of how much we deceive ourselves, never mind others..

To avoid the wasteless energy of the lies we’ve told, lets do our best to never start them in the first place. Because if you’ve been on the receiving end, you’ll work out the hurt, and how much harder it is to hand our trust into the reliable hands of people, that don’t deserve our skepticism.

So if you want to be on Santa’s ‘good list’ (ironic that I use a fabricated character that remains our biggest lie to date to children under 4 - oh but it's fun to keep them happy) just check over the past year and lets ask ourselves if we’ve really been the most truthful we could be. Because with truth, comes weightless pressures, closer relationships, outstanding love, and happiness that money can’t buy.

Do the BigPinkHearted thing, and ask if it’s you you’re protecting from getting into trouble because essentially the worst lies you can ever tell, are the ones you tell to yourself.

Crates of Forgiveness!

'To forgive is not just to be altruistic, it is the best form of self-interest'. – Desmond Tutu

Yet it's the hardest thing to achieve isn't it? The hardest thing to rid the body of and the hardest thing to give to someone else. Because we don't want to. To forgive in our ego's mind is to condone their action and to condone bad behaviour. To forgive breaks the walls again of possible hurt in the future. It would be best for all of us, if we just keep ourselves to ourselves.

But this is the start of the dismantled community. Neighbours stop talking and no longer want to look after your cat. Singletons think twice before getting into a relationship again, and friends turn their backs when others ask for their help. They've been bitten twice before. Why help again?

Safety is to hide and trust your own instincts.

Last time we looked at lying and how hard it is to forgive once someone (anyone) has broken your trust. As we age, we harden, and we stop giving as much. Error number 1 of the community. Okay so we give as much as we used to, but to different people. The ones that we can trust (or think we can trust).

We have boundaries, limitations, horrific memories and I personally, have cut out friends who have crossed the line one too many times. Only 4 times in my life have I had to do this. But it pains me all the same. Because I thought I had a better judgement of character than that. Or perhaps I had forgiven them, and given them more chances. Only to discover that, actually they've gone and done it again.

Sometimes we must break friendships, relationships, and much more. They may afterall, be damaging us and it must stop. Not all relationships last forever.

Just to break off your friendship - are you healed? No. No you're not. Because you forgot to do one pretty important thing in the process.

That's forgiveness.

Back in 2004, I went to a gallery exhibition called 'The F Word'. You can imagine what excitement I had in the hope it would be about sex. And how disappointed I was when I discovered it wasn't.

I moved around at a glacial pace to see large photographs of happy people, with their desperate stories of lost children, murdered by someone else. Victims of crimes, women of rape and domestic violence.

Then I fell on a story, that's never left me. The story of Camilla Carr and Jon James. In April 1997, Camilla Carr and her boyfriend, Jon James went to Chechnya to set up a rehabilitation centre for traumatised war-children. Three months later they were taken hostage by Chechnyan rebels. Their ordeal lasted 14 months, during which Camilla was repeatedly raped by one of her jailers.

The story goes into detail of how Jon would watch Camilla be taken to the next room to be raped. Fake execution set ups, violence and torture.

Surely you can't forgive that? I mean apart from your worst nightmare, it would be sacrilege to forgive the captors? You'd need Diazepam each night to be able to sleep for the next 15 years.

Most of us would shut out the world around us. As Camilla, you'd let no man touch you. As Jon, you'd trust no man again. You'd feel immasculated. Your mind would go over hideous sounds and video graphic memories.

But these guys were different. You see, in one aspect, they knew that was certainly an option. To close up, maybe blame each other for it. Many couples when their child has died in tragic circumstances, they divorce under the pressure. The hurt turns inward.

Camilla and Jon admit that freedom and the support from others only lasted so long, until the reality hit them. They crumbled for a while. For Camilla, she explains that forgiveness comes in layers. Anger, then tears, then vulnerability. Once you've allowed yourself to be vulnerable, you begin to find peace. Not only peace, but an understanding, that people never mean to be that cruel or malicious. Their behaviour derives from bad behaviour and bad experiences elsewhere.

These two individuals had strength I'm not sure I could find myself. I struggle to forgive (only a few) people that have hurt me in my life, but to contest with this level of hurt, as this couple explained, takes years. For some, forgiveness never comes. Before they know it, their internal organs are, quite literally, eating each other. To not forgive may just be more damaging for your health than tobacco. Something the doctors never warn you about, and something they can't give you a pill for.

Communities break down when forgiveness is not present. As do all human relationships.

The key factor in forgiving anyone, whilst trying to heal from hurt, you must hurt first. Really, really hurt. Cry it out, scream in the middle of a quiet field if you must. Just get vulnerable. Most people will only allow themselves a limit. It's a truly British thing to get annoyed with ourselves for 'losing it'. Or letting them 'bother us'. But this is part of your forgiveness. The futile thing to do is to sweep it under the lino. Don't make out it doesn't bother you, when it does. If it helps your ego, share this process with no one. Go it alone. Don't listen to the ones who tell you to forget them. Give yourself the time to grieve the hurt and pain. Once it's out of your system, it's out of your system. You can guarantee that you won't be balling like that again. Don't find anything to cover the pain, or nurse it. Don't drink on it. Don't eat on it. Don't snort on it. Just sit with it.

Write it out, draw it out. Punch your pillow. Confront them if you need to, explain why you're angry and if they come back with a torrent of abuse, (which is more than likely) tell them this is their stuff (make sure it is and it's not your own projections). Make peace with the fact that you faced them in a calm manner. It'll probably anger you again that they are not listening to you. That they think they're right. So you have to go through the whole process again. Like a game of snakes and ladders. If you've landed on the snake, go back to square one. Then work your way up, this time without talking to them. Because you don't need their agreement anymore. It's up to them to work it out for their own lives. You’v'e said what you needed to say. You can't control the situation, or them, but you can control the way you react now.

So take on the challenge. Do your research into why they caused the pain. This is important. Once you begin to work out a background to their lives, pieces of the puzzle come together.

Out of the people I've had to do this with, issues such as an abusive father came up, too much drug taking of a weekend for another made this particular individual insecure and madly paranoid, anger issues from childhood bullying and her father having an affair made her bitter about anyone else having happiness. A break up that they've badly dealt with, or not dealt with at all, and you end up being the victim of their jealousy in a relationship or indeed, you're the target full stop. They have insufficient confidence or an inability to understand loyalty, trust and faith, because they never had it themselves in a family, the hurt done to you was a bi-product.

None of this is excusable. One friend is a sibling of 6. He's the only brother not in jail. That was his choice into how he reacted to what was served to him in life. So don't get me wrong, just because they've suffered all the pain before you came on board, doesn't make it right. But it makes you understand, why they weren't picture perfect to you. It makes it less personal.

Once you consider what might be behind the way they act and detach yourself from the equation and work out it's not actually a personal attack, you were a bystander, like a crowd member in a stadium, then you can start thinking outside the box and deal with the situation and perhaps even consider an element of forgiveness.

We've all caused hurt, and we've all been hurt. You'll argue with me that you've not caused as much hurt as the person has to you. I know. I know. Stop for a second and forget your score cards here. We're also all friends. We're all lovers. We're all relatives of someone. Before you make one more notch of people on your hit-list or before you create one more boundary, think about this; that in this world of war, of hatred, of quick demands, anxiety and facebook culling, most of this would be gone, with forgiveness.

Admit it. We'd all be in love a little bit more, we'd be more confident, we'd be focused on what we can do for others, rather than what we shouldn't do for others. We'd let more people into our homes. We'd take more risks. We'd probably enjoy life more. We'd embrace a new friendship like a child, not like an adult. We'd be able to spend more on schools, hospitals and charities over weapons of mass destruction. We’d be more aware of those around us and perhaps we would also be more aware of the impact of our own thoughts and actions on others!

Forgiveness let Corrie Ten-Boom shake the hands of the concentration camp guard that made her a prisoner years before. Forgiveness tore up the Apartheid. Forgiveness made the Civil Rights Movement a success story and made Martin Luther King my hero. Forgiveness bought peace to Ireland. Forgiveness freed Nelson Mandela. Forgiveness helped marriages stay alive after long drawn out affairs. Forgiveness has known to heal cancer. Most illnesses breed in it's absence.

How is it not more our friend?

Because grace is the hardest virtue to own. It's not cool and it's often a bad business venture. No one wants to be known as the walkover. In fact, it's a common fear in today's society. You can be ruthless and successful, or sexy and a bitch. But you can't be forgiving people all the time. You'll look lame. Maybe you're right. People will take advantage. But the greatest people I know, with the greatest success stories, are of the communities that grew up and shook each other’s hands after years of no communication. The mother of the son who was hit by a hit and run accident, who wrote a letter to the remorseless criminal, telling him she had forgiven him. The father of a daughter killed by IRA bombings, who at the press conference, famously said, how he prayed for the bombers and forgave their madness. Parents Barry and Margaret Mizen who founded The Jimmy Mizen Foundation to prevent young people from going down the anti social behavior route after their own son was killed in a senseless attack by a teenager with a string of ASBOs to his name.

That's not a walkover. That's takes superhuman strength. That takes some serious thought and wisdom. They're not scared of the perpetrator; they were worried for their own health. Like our Desmond says, it's a matter of self-interest.

It's the greatest medicine to the soul. It's the greatest gift you can give to someone else, and it's the greatest gift you can give to yourself.

Everyday I wake, I hope that one day, I heal a little more by trying to forgive the ones that have been callous in my life. Often, just thoughtless.

It's not money that makes the world go around. It's the thing we forget we have an option to infiltrate in our every day lives, and that's forgiveness.

Besides, if Britain and France managed to forgive and stop 14 wars at the beginning of the 20th Century, I can forgive the man who slated my beloved last October.

Be BigPinkHearted, and go find yourself a crate of this stuff.